


How may I be of assistance to you?

by apocalib (apocryphalic)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 07:02:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3347918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apocryphalic/pseuds/apocalib
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama comes to the conclusion that what he has on Hinata can no longer be classified as a crush and that he's going to have a bit of difficulty getting over it. So he does what any person his age would do and consults his phone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How may I be of assistance to you?

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Haikyuu Secret Valentine's exchange over on Tumblr. Fic is for crowaces! Inspiration for the fic comes in part from my trolling of Siri and from my friend Y. Much thanks to her for listening to me whine/rant about writing fic when I haven't written in over a year.

Kageyama has a problem. In fact, he’s got a number of problems but the most pressing at the moment is the lack of coins in his pocket preventing him from his daily purchase of milk. The second most pressing matter is probably his crush on Hinata and his inability to do anything about it. 

Now, being a very logical and resourceful person, Kageyama usually manages to solve his own problems without outside help. Case in point, by the time lunch rolls around, he’s already managed to find enough change in the lockers of Karasuno’s club room to buy himself a carton of milk before and after practice. Someone really needs to tell his senpais about leaving their lockers open. It’s an invitation for their things to be borrowed, or worse, stolen. How uncautious of them. 

As for the second problem, well, Kageyama is having a _bit_ more difficulty with that than he’d like. He had reasoned with himself that crushes tend to go away on their own and so he was resolved to wait it out, no need to tell anyone of his feelings or anything. Except that had been eight months ago and it’s starting to get silly now. His heart gets all fluttery and he sweats profusely at the sight of Hinata grinning at him and even the thought of sharing meat buns after practice makes Kageyama want to die in the nicest way possible. 

So he comes to the conclusion that it’s probably not a crush and that he’s probably not going to get over it. Therefore, he does what any person his age would do: he consults his phone.

“Siri,” Kageyama says after practice is over and he’s in the privacy of his own bedroom again, “I think I like someone.”

“Do you now?” Siri replies, questioning him back.

“Yes? Of course!” Kageyama snaps back, a bit offended that Siri doesn’t seem to believe him.

“That’s very nice,” she says in a tone that has Kageyama doubting she means it.

Kageyama stares at his phone with immense concentration, commanding it silently to tell him what to do and to solve his life issues. Isn’t that what apple had promised him? Convenience and organization of his life? Well, Siri really does need to up her game because Kageyama doesn’t feel as if his life is being organized or convenienced at the moment. 

“How do I tell him that I like him?”

Siri takes a moment before replying, “Here is a list of things you can do that I have found in my search. There are seven steps.”

Six steps. Kageyama doesn’t have time for seven steps! He gives his phone a look of disapproval at Siri’s advice and ends the conversation with a push of a button. Definitely not organizing his life at all. He’ll write an email after dinner to Apple and tell them so. Meanwhile, there’s dinner to be had and his problem with Hinata can wait another hour or week, even. 

After his meal thoughl, Kageyama decides to trust in Siri after all. She’s a voice from his trusted iphone, where could he possibly find better advice? 

\- - - -

**Step 1: Make one-on-one eye contact with the person who interests you for more than ten seconds.**

“Hinata,” Kageyama says as he walks up to the shorter boy in their clubroom. 

“Yeah? You’ve changed already? Gimme a minute, I’ve only got my shoes to put on,” Hinata replies, words muffled by his shirt.

Eye contact, Kageyama reminds himself. 

“Look at me,” he declares. 

Hinata looks up from where he’s crouched over his shoes, “What?”

Kageyama blinks at Hinata, the silence stretching out long enough for Hinata to tie the laces of both his shoes. Shit, was that ten seconds??

“Kageyama? Hello??” Hinata calls out to him as he stands to wave his hands in Kageyama’s face.

“Count to ten while looking at me.”

Hinata shoots him a distrustful look but does as he’s been asked to, counting out loud to ten while maintaining eye contact. “What is this about, Kageyama? Are you sick or something?”

“Do you feel any different?” Kageyama asks.

“From looking into your eyes for ten seconds?” Hinata questions.

Kageyama nods.

“No.”

\- - - - 

**Step 2: Use his name a lot when talking to him. Act interested in what he’s saying.**

**Step 3: Make physical contact during conversation. Lean towards him and briefly rest your hand on him when telling him something in private.**

After the spectacular failure of step 1, Kageyama decides that this list Siri’s found for him must be a list of things that certain people found useful. It’s either that or he’s not conveying his feelings properly and that can’t be it at all. 

“I am sending a toss your way in the next play, Hinata,” Kageyama declares. 

“Yay! Great,” Hinata says as he wipes away some of the sweat, panting slightly after an hour of practice games.

Kageyama nods his head and does just as he said he would but not before he calls out Hinata’s name right in the middle of the play, causing him to lose focus and the ball to hit him right in the face. 

Hinata falls to the floor with a groan, hands covering his face and there’s a crowd of senpais gathered over him already. Kageyama panics as he rushes over, tugging on Hinata’s shirt sleeves so that he can see the damage.

“Dumbass! Watch the ball!” 

“Why’d you yell my name?!” Hinata shouts back at him, “you never do that! I thought it was a decoy play or that I did something wrong!” 

Kageyama grits his teeth and grabs hold of of Hinata’s hair, tugging hard as he leans in, “Dumbass Hinata, dumbass Hinata, dumbass Hinata, DUMBASS HINATA!!!” 

Upon reflecting when at home, Kageyama suspects that the website probably didn’t mean for him to use Hinata’s name in that manner. He also suspects that physical contact should not result in hair loss and a trip to the nurse’s office.

\- - - -

 **Step 4: Pay attention to him when you meet him for the second time or if you remember his favorite drink, order it for him.**

“How’s the bruise?” Kageyama asks as Hinata rushes past him to the lawn for lunch the next day.

“It’s fine! I can definitely practice with you guys after school.”

Kageyama reaches into his bag for something before he tosses it Hinata’s way, purposely ignoring the questioning look in Hinata’s eyes as he looks over the milk carton. 

“Is this expired???” 

That push to the ground? Kageyama swears to Daichi-san that Hinata deserved it. 

~ ~ ~

**Step 5: Keep in touch with him. Send him an email or send him a text out of the blue just to say hello.**

Kageyama spends a good twenty minutes trying to figure out an appropriate message to send to Hinata. To say he's out of practice when it comes to texting would be an understatement. The last message in his outbox was a reply to his mother about coming home for dinner. 

Perhaps it's best to start out with a simple greeting.

_hello, hinata._

Kageyama sends it off, proud that he managed to slip in Hinata's name as well. Bonus points.

A text is received just moments later, _kageyama? hey, what's up?_

_nothing. thanks for the reply. good night._

Well, the list didn't say anything about maintaining an actual conversation now, did it?

\- - - -

**Step 6: Loan him a book, DVD or CD that he mentioned liking.**

Hinata doesn't like anything besides volleyball so doesn't the ball that Kageyama tossed to him during lunch today count?? 

\- - - - 

“Siri, you’re useless,” Kageyama says after a week of nothing but weird looks from Hinata and no sign of an acceptance of his feelings.

A beep later, “That doesn’t sound good.”

The reply seems to be showing him a rather high level of discontent somehow and Kageyama feels the need to apologize. "I’m sorry but I need something more useful, like a recipe on how to make Valentine's Day chocolates or something.” 

“No problem,” Siri says right back. Without a recipe.

\- - - - 

Three days to go and Kageyama is still without a recipe for chocolates. Truth be told, he's in a bit of a cold war with Siri. She seemed uppity the last time they spoke and Kageyama thinks that he should discreetly ask for advice from someone else. Someone like the person in question.

“Do you like chocolates?” He asks while he’s huddled under the awning of the foothill store with Hinata pressed against him to conserve warmth and to keep the rain from dripping on his shoes.

“Yes, why do you have some right now?” Hinata asks with a visible sparkle in his eyes, licking his lips before he takes a bite of his meat bun. 

“No and even if I did, I wouldn’t give any to you,” Kageyama replies, mouth half-full with food. 

“Stingy,” Hinata says automatically, “I would share with you if I had some. I think Natsu is making chocolates tonight, I’ll save some for us for tomorrow.” 

“Why is she making chocolates?”

“For class, she says everyone makes chocolates to share for Valentine’s. Besides, I think there’s someone that she likes in her art class,” Hinata says, voice lowering to a conspiratory whisper, “she had mom buy a heart mold yesterday for her.” 

Kageyama wrinkles his nose as he ponders the information that Hinata’s just shared with him. He contemplates whether or not a heart-shaped chocolate has more weight in terms of declaring one’s affections than any other shaped mold. 

“Real hearts aren’t even heart-shaped though,” Kageyama says, polishing off what’s left of his bun. 

Hinata gives him a look that says he’s real dumb, a look that Kageyama receives and ignores on the daily. “She’s a kid, she doesn’t know what a real heart looks like! Plus, who would want a cake shaped like that? You’re so not romantic, Kageyama.”

Huffing, Kageyama wipes his hands clean on his pants, looking around just to make sure there’s no one else around. “What kind of shape would you like?”

“Volleyball!” Hinata shouts immediately and really, Kageyama shouldn’t even have asked. “The best shape there is,” Hinata says with that smile that gives Kageyama the same feeling that setting a good ball does. 

“O-of course,” he stammers out, feeling completely uneasy with the way Hinata’s staring at him now.

“Oi, you okay, Kageyama? Are you hungry?” Hinata pulls out the other bun he’s been keeping in the paper bag, the skin peeling slightly so and he rips it in half, “here, you can have some of mine. I told you to get another one.”

The smell of the meat and curry hits Kageyama right in the face, that and the obvious heat of it. He blinks and takes the food with a nod.“What’s your favorite flavor?” he asks, wondering if he can get away with such uncharacteristic questions since Hinata thinks he’s starving and all.

“Any kind, really.” Hinata gives it a thought and then looks up at Kageyama, “Maybe the kind that you get on Valentine’s Day,” he amends, “they’re always wrapped so nicely and smell so good.” 

The rain lets up enough for them to leave and it’s a good thing it does too because given more time, Kageyama would probably have eaten Coach Ukai’s store out of meat buns. That or he would’ve confessed with words and wouldn’t that be awful. 

\- - - -

After an exhaustive amount of conversations with Siri, Kageyama decides that he’ll stay away from making chocolates. Instead, he’ll make truffles, as Siri so helpfully suggested for him when he asked for other options. They came up as one of the easiest desserts to make during the search and they’re round. If Kageyama squints and imagines them to be white, red and green, then they definitely look like volleyballs. 

All he needs is 67% chocolate, some double cream, butter and cocoa powder. Easy. 

Ten minutes later, Kageyama starts to regret sending his mother out of the house.

“Siri, how do I unclog the kitchen sink?” 

Twenty minutes, a plunger and some hot water later, panic starts to set in. Chocolate melts faster than Kageyama thought and the cream is way colder than he thinks it has any right to be, especially after he thoughtfully took it out of the fridge five minutes ago!

“Siri, how can I tell if my cream has expired?”

“Siri, are truffles supposed to be hard to chew?”

“Siri, what’s the difference between a pinch of salt and a handful?” 

“Siri, what does melted plastic taste like?”

“Siri, is Hinata allergic to peanuts???”

“Siri, what do I do in case Hinata is allergic?”

“Siri, how do you tell if something is burning? Say the kitchen towel and what should I do if it is?”

A frantic call to his mother and a near trip from the fire department later, Kageyama thinks that all things considered, he’s done quite a good job with his truffles. They’re round. They’re also the size of his fist and smell a bit off because of the cream that may or may not have expired but again, they’re ball-shaped and isn’t that all Hinata asked for??

~~~

Saturday comes round and Kageyama is feeling confident. Well, he’s feeling confident enough in his truffles. He had his mother taste test them this morning, and she had smiled and patted him on the shoulder for a job well done. She also tucked a box of store-bought chocolates into his bag and told him to keep them just in case. 

Now all that he has to do is find Hinata and give him the truffles. 

Hinata's late. Practice has already started by the time he comes barreling through the doors with apologies and explanations that Coach and Daichi seem to accept. Kageyama isn't as kind and after an exchange of not so kind words, they finally settle into practice. 

Despite having come to terms with his affections for Hinata, Kageyama forgets how much of a little shit the other boy is sometimes. He trips over air all the time and fucks up receives aimed right at him. He still manages to serve balls into the net and slam into his fellow teammates while trying to block out spikes. Hinata is a wreck and a dumbass, but he’s also adorable and smiley in a way that Kageyama is inexplicably weak towards. 

“HINATA, YOU DUMBASS,” he yells as yet another ball falls short of its trip over the net, “DIDN’T WE DECIDE YOU WOULD PRACTICE SERVING IN YOUR SPARE TIME?” 

Hinata backs away with a nervous smile and skits towards Tanaka-senpai. Hinata’s gesturing wildly with his hands and Kageyama really needs to have a talk with himself later because he cannot possibly find Hinata cute all the time. 

“Get over here,” he demands as Daichi-san declares a break for them. 

“But I’m hungry, Kageyama-san” Hinata moans at him, “I need a break! I forgot my snacks today because I was in a rush and I need to replenish my fluids !!” 

Kageyama grabs his bag and searches for the extra bottle of Pocari that he keeps with him, grumbling as Hinata continues to whine. The zipper of the bag strains under his furious searching and without any concern for Kageyama’s sanity at all, it opens and the contents of his bag spill out onto the floor. 

Hinata, damn him, crouches immediately to help him. Kageyama searches for the box of truffles and triumphantly reaches for it before Hinata can get his paws on it. He attempts to hide it away, which he’s successful at doing. The only problem is that it's the wrong box of truffles.

“Did you make these, Kageyama?” Hinata asks, fingers curled around the edge of the plastic box that houses Kageyama’s disloyal truffles. 

“Give them here,” Kageyama demands, reaching in vain as Hinata jumps just out of reach. 

“I’m going to help myself to one,” Hinata tells him right before stuffing one into his mouth.

There’s a long moment of silence filled with Hinata’s chewing and Kageyama can tell Hinata’s struggling with them but a long minute later, Hinata holds up a hand and gives him a thumbs up.

“They’re good!”

Kageyama stares long enough for Hinata to attempt to eat another one but he's stopped by his own throat. 

"Give it back, they're awful."

Hinata shakes his head and hugs the box even closer to his body, "Are these for me, Kageyama? Did you make them for me?"

Kageyama's hand forms a fist and for a second, he considers grabbing the box and running. In the end, he doesn't. Maybe Siri's advice is wrong after all or maybe Kageyama should've listened to her first piece of advice which was to tell Hinata straight out. 

"Yes. Yes, they're for you."

Hinata stares into the box some more before he tilts his head to the side, squinting and nodding his head. "They look like volleyballs."

The laugh comes out more like a snort. "Right? If you squint and imagine that they're red, white and green."

Hinata smiles and before he can pop another god awful truffle into his mouth, Kageyama offers up the just in case ones. They share that box and devour it all, enough to get them a stomachache and earn them a gentle scolding from Sugawara-senpai. Kageyama doesn't really mind the punishment of sitting out a practice set though, hiding his smile behind his hand as Hinata presses against his side, arm and thigh warm against him. 

\- - - -

One month into the new phase of Kageyama and Hinata's mutual affection, as they call their "relationship", Kageyama finally remembers to thank the one person most useful in his attempts at wooing Hinata.

"Siri, thank you, you're the best."

"I am so happy that I was of help to you." 

"Who are you talking to?" Hinata asks, poking his head into Kageyama's room. He's over to play games and Kageyama doesn't remember inviting him into his room at all. "Ooooh, is that that Siri thing? Cool!"

Fast reflexes and all, the phone is out of Kageyama's hand before he can even form a protest. 

"Let me play!" Hinata darts out of reach and manages to ask his question right as Kageyama tackles him, "Where’s the best place to go on dates with my boyfriend?"

Siri pauses and if she weren’t an automated voice, Kageyama thinks she might be teasing, "Everywhere."

**Author's Note:**

> All of Siri's recommendations come from personal experience, lol. As in I literally sat at my desk at work and asked Siri all the questions that Kageyama did. Some of the answers have been translated from the Cantonese setting for Siri as it's much more fun trolling Siri in a language other than English. Also, those six steps were found via Google. If anyone tries them out, I wish you much more success than Kageyama had! ;)


End file.
